feeling unloved

How to Help Yourself and Others ‘Feel the Love’

If you, or someone you know, is feeling unloved, undervalued or unappreciated, it could be having an enormous impact on self-worth, self-confidence and wellbeing all of which have a knock on effect on motivation and performance.


Love, appreciation and feeling valued is so important in any relationship, whether it’s your partner, family, friends or colleagues. It helps us feel that we belong and that our contribution is important helping us to connect, commit and collaborate.


However, sometimes we are loved, valued and appreciated, yet we don’t FEEL it, maybe because the way the other person shows ‘love and appreciation’ isn’t how we like to receive it. Here’s an example of how this can show up at work:


Business Owner: I’ve done so much for the team – they’ve had gifts, an away day and I’ve promised a spa break if this month’s targets are met and yet they don’t seem at all excited or motivated. What’s more, I overheard one of them saying that they don’t feel valued! I just don’t get it – what more can I do?


Coach: That’s interesting – maybe this way of showing appreciation doesn’t work for them. We are all different with different ways of giving and receiving. Have you asked them what they need to feel appreciated and valued?


Business Owner: Well no – doesn’t everyone love a gift or treat? I know I do – I love it!

In this example not only did this strategy not have the desired effect, it also cost the business a substantial amount of money – a lose lose – not ideal!


So what can you do to feel more appreciated and ensure your appreciation is well received?

In short, understand how you and others like to give and receive appreciation and adapt your methods accordingly.


Here’s a fun way of doing just that. Check out the 5 Love Languages quiz. Don’t be put off by the title ‘love languages’ – this applies to all relationships – not just romantic ones.


The theory of the 5 Love Languages Model was developed by Dr Gary Chapman, Ph.D.—author, speaker, and counsellor—aiming to help people form lasting relationships.


He suggests that we all like to give and receive in five different ways, through:


  • Receiving gifts
  • Acts of service
  • Physical touch
  • Quality time
  • Words of affirmation 

The quiz will weight each of the five ways in order of priority. One of my top ones is quality time and my tip for ensuring I have ‘quality’ time is setting a habit of no phones and getting into the right emotional state for the meeting. This minimises possible distractions and ensures all attendees are focussed on the meeting.


Share your results with others and encourage them to take the quiz and share their results with you, so you can give and receive in ways that hit the mark and enable you to build better and longer lasting relationships.


What’s your top score? Were you surprised?


I hope that inspired you to reflect and take action. Please share this idea with others.


And if you need more inspiration, support or you’d like a sounding board, do get in touch with me at [email protected].


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